Bryan R. Monte – An Interview with Timothy Liu

Bryan R. Monte
An Interview with Timothy Liu

Timothy Liu is an Asian-American gay poet with an impressive publication record. He is the author of 13 books of poetry and the editor of the ground-breaking Word of Mouth: An Anthology of Gay American Poetry (Talisman House, 2000). Liu is the winner of the Norma Farber First Book Award from the Poetry Society of America for Vox Angelica (Alice James Books, 1992), the PEN/Beyond Margins Award for Say Goodnight (Copper Canyon Press, 1998), and the Poetry Book-of-the-Year Award from Publishers Weekly for Of Thee I Sing (University of Georgia Press, 2004). Amsterdam Quarterly conducted this literary interview with Liu in December 2023 to discuss his past work and themes and also his most recent book, Down Low and Lowdown: Timothy Liu’s Bedside Bottom-Feeder Blues (Barrow Street Books, 2023).

Bryan R. Monte: You are one of the few poets I have interviewed whose reputation preceded you—by decades. Leslie Norris mentioned your name at a session of a literary conference or a reading out West in the early 2000s. He caught my attention because of his strange English accent. (I later realized he was Welsh).

After the session or reading was over, I went up to Norris to talk to him, with my partner beside me. Norris asked about my literary connection or interest. I told him I attended the Y in academic year 1977-78 and I edited a gay magazine for three years in the 1980s. He asked me if I knew you and I said I’d heard of you and read your anthology, Word of Mouth, but that we had not met. Then he told me you were a remarkable student and he was not surprised by your success as a poet. He said he always knew you would go far.

I’m curious. How did you get to know Norris?

Timothy Liu: I had yet to take a class from him, but hearing that he was the Poet-in-Residence at BYU, I managed to slip three poems under his office door and stopped by during his hours the following week. He invited me in, told me he had read my poems and said, ‘these aren’t any good.’ He went on to say, ‘But it doesn’t matter. You’re a poet! You write poetry! You’re one in ten thousand. It doesn’t matter if you write good poems or bad poems, you’re still a poet’. Who says such things? He didn’t know me from Adam (or Steve), and at the time, I only felt driven to show him something better. I got on my bike and rode back to my off-campus apartment in tears. I had failed. I felt like a nothing. A fool.

BRM: Yet, obviously, you didn’t give up at that point.

TL: The following week, I stopped by his office with three new poems in hand and said, ‘What about these?’ He read them over and said, ‘These are much better. Something has happened here!’ What I didn’t know at the time was that my whole life was about to change. Had already changed. Somehow, with a little encouragement and a lot of my own (naive!) determination, I had admitted myself (and had been welcomed previously without fully knowing it!) into the Hallowed Halls of Poesy.

BRM: That must have been a great feeling. What did you do next?

TL: The following semester, I took his English Romanticism course where we read Keats, Coleridge, Wordsworth, and Byron among others. ‘Creative writing’ was not really ‘taught’ across the Pond. If you were serious about poetry, you read the greats. It didn’t matter if the tradition was full of dead white straight dudes. Later I would come to learn that Leslie Norris was from Wales, that my newfound mentor personally knew the likes of Vernon Watkins and Dylan Thomas. He told me about the two notebooks, a blue one and a red one, that Thomas had kept ever since he was in his teens, notebooks whose jottings and scribblings Thomas would mine for the rest of his life!

BRM: Was it plain sailing from there?

TL: No. One time during another course, I remember Professor Norris kicking me out of his class for mouthing off. I don’t remember what I had said that had set him off, but it was some little quip or retort that had crossed the line. Leslie Norris was the most gentle and equanimous of fellows, a veritable Leprechaun with ice-blue eyes and fiery red hair, and to get under his skin like that, well! That’s the second time I remember having been brought to tears at BYU, this time finding my way to Leslie Norris’ office after being thrown out. I remember him still miffed but handing me a tissue and gently (firmly!) forgiving my folly. My shame.

BRM: Did Norris do anything especially memorable to encourage your poetry writing?

TL: A few semesters passed, and one day, Leslie called me up into his office on the second floor of the JKHB (Jesse Knight Humanities Building) and said to me, ‘I have taught you everything I know. I have now booked you a seat in Richard Shelton’s poetry workshop at the Rattle Snake Mountain Writers Workshop. William Stafford and Naomi Shihab Nye will also be teaching there. It will take you ten hours to drive from here to Eastern Washington and it starts tomorrow morning, so you best get going!’

So, I hopped in my green ’73 Mercury Comet with a straight-six engine and drove all night. That was back in 1988. I was a senior at BYU, and this was like an impromptu study-abroad scholarship, all of it now a blur. Maybe my only memory of that weekend is sitting at the feet of William Stafford in a packed room and hearing him read ‘Saint Matthew and All’ from his new book just out called An Oregon Message.

BRM: That workshop must have been fantastic. I had the chance to study with Nye at Berkeley in ’82. It was a great class and I wrote one of my best erotic poems there: ‘Intimations of Frank O’Hara’ (on the AQ website at: https://www.amsterdamquarterly.org/aq_issues/aq4-food-sex-and-happiness/bryan-r-monte-intimations-of-frank-ohara/.

TL: What Norris gave me during those most formative years, I can never repay. Indebted would be le mot juste. There are so many other stories! In the thirty-five years since, I have tried to give something back to the hundreds (if not thousands) of student poets I have taught and continue to teach. Leslie was so spontaneous, in the moment, inspired, never the same advice twice.

I don’t know when or where I first encountered this quote by Camus, but Leslie surely must have known it! It captures some of the magic and import I have felt to have been so blessed by my first mentor: ‘A man’s work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.’

BRM: Thank you for sharing your life-changing memory of Leslie Norris and you at BYU. I’d like to shift gears a bit now and talk about matters closer to the present. I have a few questions about your frequent use of the Horatian, ars poetica mode (at least in your last three books), which you use twice in Luminous Debris and Let It Ride, and once in Down Low and Lowdown. Is there a reason or reasons you prefer this poetic mode?

TL: I’m interested in the question of what brings me to the page and/or what bids me to speak, or to put it another way, what pressures a poem into being. Most of my poems are untitled when they are being written and rewritten. If in the process of their creation, I feel they also have something to say about the act of making itself, then I might title the poem ‘Ars Poetica’.

BRM: Do you use it to lift the veil and show the artist at work or to provide an interpretive key for your poems in that collection or section?

TL: I think the veil is lifted in every line and every line break of a poem no matter what it’s called. I think it has more to do with the question of what does it feel like to be in a certain body at a certain moment at a certain age writing a poem, and why the poem is an attempt to capture a fleeting thought or emotion in this form and not another.

BRM: Is it to set the tone for the book or sections themselves?

TL: If the ‘Ars Poetica’ kicks off a book, then yes, it serves as a kind of proem or frame for what is to follow. If it appears elsewhere, I don’t think of it as setting the tone so much as taking a time out to address the act of making itself, and in this sense, perhaps to show the Wizard behind the curtain.

BRM: Thank you for answering those questions about ars poetica. Now I have some questions about your depiction of sex in your poems. Approximately half of the poems in Down Low and Lowdown are about sex, masturbation, or erotic materials. One online bookseller describes Down Low and Lowdown as ‘unruly, naughty, looking for trouble… a raunchy feast that left everyone feeling stuffed.’ Why do you think the percentage of erotic poems in this collection is so high? Did you consciously choose to put so many erotic poems together?

TL: I’m interested in the relationship between the Carnal and the Incarnate. I’ve been rewatching the six films from the Alien film franchise, and in Alien IV: Resurrection, when someone asks Ripley which direction the aliens are going in, she says, ‘Towards us, wherever the meat is.’ To think of ourselves as meat, as food, as trapped (and blessed!) inside our aging bodies, full of hunger and lust, is at the heart of my poetics.

BRM: How did Covid-19 affect your life? Could you talk about any frustrations you might have about intimacy during lockdown sex as embodied in such poems as ‘Covid Ode’, ‘Make America China Again’, ‘Ode to Distance Learning’, ‘Ode to Sexual Distancing’, and ‘Self-Portrait with Surgical Mask in the Rearview Mirror’?

TL: When the pandemic first hit in March 2020, just before Spring Break, I not only had to shift my teaching modality from in-person to online, but my husband and I were freed to move from our apartment in NYC, (where COVID hit much harder), to our home upstate in the Hudson Valley. We basically ended up seeing each other 24/7 for seven months straight, (which was a novelty in our 28th year together as a couple!). Surprisingly, we got along fine. As always, the erotic for me resides elsewhere, not in the homestead but at the edges of the forest where the wilderness begins.

The poems you cite above all have to do with masks and distancing and online technologies that helped serve as protective barriers. How this has affected societies across the Globe remains to be seen, but this kind of Isolation certainly held my attention as a Poet. On the one hand, I crave my Man Cave and all things Hermetic, but on the other hand, I enjoy the communal, whether in the form of a Companion, a Lover, and/or a cadre of Makers, not only connecting ourselves over Zoom but in the Flesh.

BRM: Do you see sexual encounters as adhesive as Walt Whitman did, bringing men together and keeping them together or as liberating as the ’60s generation did?

TL: I will always love Whitman for saying: ‘Divine I am inside and out, and I make holy whatever I touch and am touched from; The scent of these arm-pits is aroma finer than prayer.’ Talk about a consequential affirmation! What an antidote to a culture founded on the Puritanical. So, there’s something here that both encompasses and goes beyond the Sexual Liberation of the Sixties, a kind of balm that extends to the advent of AIDS and all the way down to our current pandemic.

BRM: Why do you think the Dionysian influence is more prevalent in your erotic poems, emphasizing the wild, unpredictable, emotional, and less intellectual nature of sexual encounters, rather than Apollonian (concerned with form, structure, and predictability)?

TL: It’s both useful and limiting to think in binaries like Dionysian/Apollonian when it comes to making poems (and living our lives). Useful in the sense that we need the energies from both divine sources. As a lad raised on LDS tenets where ‘Obedience is the First Law of Heaven,’ you can imagine my strong attraction to Milton’s magnificent opening, ‘Of Man’s First Disobedience, and the Fruit / Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal taste / Brought Death into the World, and all our woe . . .’ If we are more than merely fruit or meat whose destiny is to rot, then what are we? Are poems not fermented like grapes trodden under stained bare feet? It’s that mash, that mix, in these little (but monumental!) creative/erotic acts that I pray and desire most my poems to embody.

I live in an open marriage. My husband and I will make room for other Great Loves if they happen along. This is no easy arrangement! Things are even more challenging to negotiate when we are locked down together. As Kabir says somewhere, lovers are always plotting how to get together again. The forbidden, the illicit, and the transgressive are of course driving forces that fuel the erotic and help keep the energy in the wine (and poems!) from growing flat.

BRM: How does your poem, ‘Foraging for Mushrooms in the Pandemic’, reflect your life at this time?

TL: In this poem, I am in search of mycelial fruiting bodies on the mountain that my husband and I live on, State Lands that are parcel to the New York Watershed and hence off-limits to hunters and the public without DEP permits. A pristine world unto itself, an Eden, and like Eden, full of Life and Knowledge that can lead to creation or destruction. Medicine and Poison share a continuum—too much of one can turn into the other.

BRM: In comparison to your many poems about men in Down Low and Lowdown, there are three poems about women that really stand out: ‘Apology and Gratitude Are Two Sides of the Same Coin’ about your mother’s alcoholism, and two elegies, ‘Elegy’ and ‘Last Christmas’, about women with whom you were close. They seem to stick out due to your intense focus on details. Did you write all three during the Covid-19 lockdown? If so, do you remember the order in which you wrote them?

TL: I worked on all three poems during the pandemic even though the events within each poem happened before COVID. The lag time between poem and real life varies. Some events need more time to fully digest before they can enter a poem. I work on many poems simultaneously over many years, so the order I wrote them in gets lost, but in terms of chronology, the poem about my mother is the oldest memory of the three.

BRM: I find ‘Apology and Gratitude’ an attention getter because of the image of the broken wine glass that ‘managed to land // on the base of its stem upright!’. Did this actually happen or is it a poetic invention? In addition, I like your metaphor for this maternal abuse: ‘…kneeling on shards / of heirloom glass … when I had to clean up after her / time and again’. ‘It’s also startling because the poem ends in mid-sentence ‘but I never knew how to say —’. How did you come up with this ending? In addition, why do you think it took you so long after your mother’s death to write this poem?

TL: Most of the images in my poems are from my lived life, often cobbled together from composite memories to support the narrative at hand. My mom was mentally ill, not an alcoholic, but she certainly knew how to destroy a kitchen! My first book, Vox Angelica, has a short poem in it called ‘She Smashes Dishes’. That was written over 30 years ago. So ‘Apology and Gratitude’ was a way to revisit an old battleground. ‘The kneeling on shards’ pays homage to my Christian-Fundamentalist father who, in an act of rage, tore many of my LDS framed certificates (for having completed reading The Book of Mormon and The Doctrine and Covenants) off my bedroom wall and smashed them on the backyard porch. The ending of the poem muses on the notion that if only my parents had written their own poems, if they had some way to discharge what was pent up within them, then the ensuing violence might have been avoided (or at least tempered), and I would’ve been spared of having to write the poems myself (decades later!) as a consequence of their actions. Call it karma. Aesthetic payback.

BRM: ‘Elegy’ is about an unnamed, fellow poet, who returned out West to take over her father’s winery, which suddenly burned down, the emotional strain it caused her, and her early death from cancer. Here you portray the sudden loss of her estate overnight as she slept: ‘Go to bed one person // and wake up another…’ and the sound of the horses ‘burned / alive in her barn … unable to stampede out of weathered boards / consumed in an instant—’ … Hearing horses / scream like that, …’ against your jealousy of how easily you initially thought her life was: she got and left her teaching post for an inheritance and had a new book which was well-reviewed.

However, you stop your jealous rant suddenly within two lines ‘she had it / so easy—barely making it/ past her sixtieth birthday. Did you plan this important, emotional, redeeming, hairpin turn, or did it just come about naturally as you were telling her story?

TL: I love this question! Emotional hairpin turns do happen in the initial or early drafts of a poem. But they can also happen late in the revision process. As in, ‘hmmmm, this poem is so one-sided, needs something else to up the ante.’ I think of Robert Frost’s ‘No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.’ Or maybe I’m misremembering. I think what he actually said was ‘No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.’ In either case, Frost seems to be inviting poets to take some serious emotional risks when they sit down to write. Beyond mere therapy, or that emotional ‘striptease’ that Sylvia Plath reminds us the ‘peanut-crunching crowd’ are shoving in to see, is the challenge to capture depth, contradiction, complexity. Elegies are not meant to be saccharine eulogies. I was exploring my own mix of compassion, rage, resentment, petty envy, and resignation when thinking about the poet Jane Mead to whom my ‘Elegy’ pays tribute. She died before we had a chance to meet up again.

BRM: The third poem, ‘Last Christmas’ takes place during the holidays on a visit to another woman friend, who also died of cancer. The poem begins with two men seeing Xmas-light decorated suburban houses, then moves on to the visit of the ill friend, but unexpectedly ends because of an argument between the speaker and the other man, the driver. The poem ends suddenly with an argument and leaving the speaker literally in the cold ‘…trail of exhaust / glowing red on the darkest night / of the year. I stood there, stranded…’ Is this what actually happened or is it an embellished or invented event? In addition, by the word ‘stranded’ do you mean more than just being left behind by the driver?

TL: Most of the crucial events in my poem ‘actually happened’. For the sake of the poem, they might be embellished. The explosive exchange at the end of the poem actually happened a mile from the nursing home in the centre of town where my lover was dropping me off at my car. I was still hoping we’d go back to his place to frolic, make love, but he was too exhausted by our visit with his dying friend. So, the poem abbreviates/collapses what ‘actually happened’ in service of dramatic timing and what the narrative requires. We never tell the same story twice from our own lives anyway, so this is no surprise. When writing and rewriting a poem, I often ask myself, ‘Am I telling the hardest truths?’; ‘What does my audience need to know or not know?’; ‘Which of these descriptions have metaphorical weight and emotional consequence?; and ‘Which details can I simply leave out?’

BRM: The last poem in your last three collections always seem to be some of the longest. They include many of the themes and images previously mentioned, but also take the discussion/depiction to a higher level with political awareness. For example, in Luminous Debris it’s ‘Leda and the Swan’. The poem begins with a suicide bomber, then mentions Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winners, Kuwaiti oil fields, and trickle-down economics. In Let it Ride, it’s ‘Love Letter: Dublin’. A Cedar Rapids tourist at the Guinness Gravity Bar, a walk down wet, cobblestone streets, scanning Grindr for a hook up, and hugging a “tree on St. Stephen’s Green…// to see if Ireland had anything // to say to me, Henry Moore’s // memorial to Yeats / looking haggard, beleaguered.’ In Down Low and Lowdown it’s ‘The War’. You climb up on your roof in response to pot and pan banging bear warnings, a bullet-ridden speed limit signs, advice to ‘Hurry up // and graduate … and get out of town’, living on stolen Lenape land, your ‘…ancestors / squatting on another continent.’ and ends with the branches below an eagle’s nest ‘interwoven with collars— more dog and cats IDs // than medals hung on a general.’

Why did you write these newsy, political poems and place them at the ends of your last three collections? Are they a sort of poetic finale? Did you write them while you are creating and compiling a collection’s poems or only after you are finished?

TL: I mostly write poems rather than books. Each of the final poems in the books you mention were poems that pressured themselves into being and were revised over large swaths of time. I’m interested in catastrophe, that Greek notion of an inward and downward movement after all our outward looking. In Gestalt therapy, there’s an interest in moving around what’s in the foreground of one’s consciousness into the background as well as the reverse of that—dusting off and taking a fresh look at what has been consigned to the dungeon of forgotten and unexamined memories/traumas.

For me, each book of poems is like a journey, an Orphic journey if you will. An adventure into the unknown, the unacknowledged, the heretofore unsaid. So, at the end of every Hero’s journey is the return to an outer world where the personal/political and the private/public must encounter one another, collide, and commingle. The writer needs the reader to complete each poem, that’s the contract of language, and this seems like a perfect place to go out on.         AQ

Karin Chastain Turner – all around

Karin Chastain Turner
all around

The artist writes: ‘For a long time, my photography practice consisted solely of planned, conceptual shoots. After receiving my BFA in 2021, under the pandemic’s shadow, I felt as though I could no longer create those images, so I didn’t. I barely created anything for almost two years. Then one day, I picked up a point and shoot film camera, my grandma gave me years ago, and I shot a roll of film. And then another. And another. I started photographing how I see the world around me: the moments of beauty and love as well as anger and pain. And along came this image, shot on a roll of Kodak Colorplus 200, using a Pentax K1000. I loved shooting on film so much that recently I began to scan my own film, (adjusting colour and light as needed via Adobe programs), including this one.’

Karin Chastain Turner, all around, photograph, 2023

William Cass – Tie Your Own Shoes

William Cass
Tie Your Own Shoes

Tom had finally had enough of the guilt, the self-recrimination, the tortured soul that stared back at him from the mirror. He’d had enough of the deception and lies, the sneaking around, the brittle excuses. And he’d especially had enough of coming home afterwards to his wife, Marcie, and their toddler son whose warm, unconditional embraces left him grimacing with shame. He would end things with Madelyn. Today.
       He didn’t have the courage to tell her face-to-face, and he knew he’d make a shambles of a phone call or even a voicemail. A text had a frigid abruptness to it that felt like a slap. So, he reluctantly decided on email as the least abhorrent choice. Tom drafted and revised his message on his work computer a half-dozen times, then waited for everyone in the office to leave for their lunch break. Alone in his work cubicle, he finally heaved a sigh, impulsively changed the message’s subject line from ‘Hey’ ‘to ‘Important’ and hit ‘Send’ before he could decide otherwise. An immediate combination of repugnance, panic, and relief overwhelmed him. Street traffic whispered twelve floors below and the workroom copier rhythmically spit papers into its tray. He rose quickly and took the elevator down to the lobby kiosk to buy a pre-packaged salad.
       As if in a fog, Tom moved through his purchase’s transaction and the retracing of steps back to his desk. By then, a few of his coworkers had returned and mingled here and there chatting amiably. Mechanically, he sat and forced himself to eat. He’d just swallowed his second bite when his cell phone pinged next to the salad indicating an incoming text, and Madelyn’s name appeared on the screen. He shuddered once before dropping his plastic fork into the container and opening her text.
       It was in response to a string they’d started before their affair had begun several months ago. He’d sent the most recent message after departing her apartment after their last tryst: a pair of romantic GIFs. The reply she’d fashioned a moment earlier included a photo she’d taken of her naked bottom; he’d told her she had the sexiest one he’d ever seen. Her message read: ‘Luv you, too…can’t wait until tomorrow!’ It was followed by several kiss mark emojis.
      Tom felt his forehead furrow into a deep frown. He supposed it was possible she hadn’t yet seen his email, but that seemed unlikely since she received notifications of incoming messages on her own office workstation which she rarely left, even for her own lunch, and her responses were almost always instantaneous. He quickly checked his email on his desk computer and found a reply to his last message. He clicked on it and read: ‘I don’t understand?’ His wife’s familiar signature block perched underneath. It took Tom only a brief second to realize that, in his hurried anxiousness, he’d clicked on her work email address instead of Madelyn’s on his recipient dropdown bar where the two followed each other’s.
       A cold sweat bloomed between his shoulder blades and spread in both directions. He found himself re-reading her reply over and over as if that might make it go away. His temples began to throb. A cluster of co-workers a few cubicles away chuckled together.
       Tom squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head onto his desk. His father’s stern image appeared to him from when he was a young boy after he’d admitted to carelessly breaking a neighbour’s window throwing rocks.
       ‘You’ve tied your own shoes,’ his father had told him. ‘Now walk in them.’
       His father had been from an era when a few, choice words like that, hushed and harsh, could cut to your core. As they could years later when they reemerged uninvited: the last thing Tom wanted, and the precise thing he needed, to hear.        AQ

Margaret Elysia Garcia – Chicana Gen-X Horror Story # 2

Margaret Elysia Garcia
Chicana Gen-X Horror Story # 2

You will be the first on your mother’s side to graduate from college. It will sound like an achievement—but your primas will observe that you are broker than they are. Good for you, mi’jita, but can you speak Spanish yet? No. You majored in the other colonial language and now you forget things, like the right word at the right time. Loser. You double downed for a master’s in Creative Writing. But no one told you it would be useless without an ‘F’ in the middle of it.
       In a workshop you forget to identify yourself by your identities; you don’t have trigger warnings on your memoir pieces, and your classmates, (sporting all their identities with consideration), stare across the conference table at you, the ancient leper. Your classmates are writing coming of age stories set in the year 2015 and all the challenges they face with people who are not using the correct words. You remember a world with no TSA and walking right onto planes to visit fathers across the country at age seven; your ex-husband played with balls of mercury as toys in a shack off Revolution Boulevard. You did not warn them. Your life is a trigger. A biohazard. They may have been empathetic had you told them about you: a pansexual Latina, assault survivor, hailing from a gay military working class family, but that will sound like you are checking boxes even though it’s true. You blindsided them. Made them cry and so you are the enemy and now they will have to do an extra zoom therapy session and your own therapist—okay, you don’t actually have one, but if you did, you are sure she would have cancelled on you.
       At least you have new Doc Martens. Boots are the same price as therapy, but you can feel good looking down at your feet for years. You are both ancient and immature.
       You will once again take a gig teaching college freshmen. The students will not take notes unless they think it will be on the quiz. They do not appreciate you reiterating things that happened before they were born. Someone tells the dean that there are too many women authors on your syllabus and they did not sign up for feminism 101; there are also too many brown people on your syllabus. You remark how you sat through many hours of universal literature that were neither literature nor universal. However, the students are looking at their phones and your joke falls flat.
       Only the present is interesting; they live in a world without context. In casual conversation after class about music, you talk about the bands you liked growing up. They find these bands questionable. Yes, there were girls who slept with bands of fully grown men. They correct you and call it rape; you correct them and call it the 70s and 80s, and think of the girls in your high school, you included, who would not date anyone under 21.
       Despite all this, you are voted favourite teacher of the year. You think you might be on the way up to something and keep adjuncting—you’re in too far now to look back, a decade and change to be exact. You juggle commitments on committees. You bend backwards. And for my next trick? Nothing. No health insurance, no retirement— just a kid in your night class threatening to kill you.
       You think about giving up. No mas mierda.
       You think about quitting teaching again. You think of other jobs you might be better suited for. You missed the window on selling both your body and your soul. You have not made enough to retire. You will work odd jobs until you die. Younger, thinner people will train you and speak loudly as if you are deaf. You will catch a glimpse of your shoulders rolled and bent.
       You howl at your choices in your head; you bark at different moons.
       Oh. Is this not scary enough for you? Not a really horror story? Not Latina enough for you either? Aye dios mio. You know what? Fine.
       Here is a vampire waiting for you in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Oh for Christsake. Fine.
       Trigger Warning: despondent gen-xer, vampire, assault, blood, death. Murderer goes free.
       Are you happy now?
       Here is a vampire waiting for you in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He will be the last to see you alive. He is unassuming, not tall, pale or handsome. He can pass for anything. He is wearing bright red basketball and mixed matched socks. This is where it ends for you. You are not looking your best. Your eyeliner and mascara are smeared. You never lost the last thirty pounds. True, your neck is clean, and clearly visible in the v-neck tee shirt some child in Myanmar made. He asks you to sponsor his college education or something equally idiotic like buying a stale off brand chocolate bar. You hear him out, thinking his story is real even as his fangs pierce your skin and blood splurts out everywhere, including on your brand new boots with the red embroidered roses. At least the blood will match. A stray dog sniffs at your torso then lifts its leg. Your lifeless body is found by the pimply guy pulling in the shopping carts. The Wal-Mart manager will argue that you were actually found closer to the Krispy Kreme drive-thru next door. He doesn’t need anymore negative publicity. A couple of Gen Zs stand TikTok-ing themselves a yard from your corpse influencing—something. Your ghost watches seagulls swooping down to the asphalt for stale donut crumbs among the parking lot stick trees. It sounds more plausible to the authorities, given how fat you are, that you met your end at Krispy Kreme. Everything will always be your own fault. And no one will ever look for the vampire.       AQ

Zach Keali’i Murphy – The Middle

Zach Keali’i Murphy
The Middle

Dad’s driving. The 1998 Volvo station wagon. Everything is on his mind but the road. My older sister sits up front. She’s going off to college at the University of Minnesota. I’ve never seen her smile this much. She looks thrilled to be leaving Nebraska. I’m stuck in the backseat between my mom and my younger brother, sitting on the grape juice stain and the potato chip crumbs that no one has ever had the time to clean up. My brother always claims the window seat, otherwise he gets motion sickness. He’s puked on me no less than five times since he’s been on this planet. My mom keeps wiping tears from her eyes before they have the opportunity to traverse the freckles of her cheeks. I think she’s afraid my sister will never come home again.
      Mom’s driving. The 2005 Honda Civic. Her jaw is clenched and she’s focused on the road. I’m riding in the passenger seat. My younger brother is in the back. Mom is taking us to my Dad’s apartment for the weekend. My brother doesn’t seem to mind bouncing back and forth between the two places. He’s always in his own universe. I’m having a difficult time picking my frown up from the sandy car mat. My brother points at me and asks, why is he always sad? Mom takes a moment to search for the right response. I can see the wheels spinning. She snaps open her mouth and looks at my brother through the rearview mirror. He’s sad because he’s not happy, she says. It isn’t an inaccurate assessment, I suppose. Mom always does her best. That’s her best quality. Dad? I can’t say the same about him.
       I’m driving. The 1998 Volvo station wagon. The rusted vessel was passed on to me. It runs on oil fumes and hope. There’s no one else in the car but my thoughts, a trunk packed with memories, and a hood full of uncertainty. I’m a middle child in the middle lane of a highway in the middle of America, dashing between two jobs because one just isn’t enough, shifting between medications that may or may not work, and being yanked between two parents who wince at the sound of each other’s names. The term ‘middle-aged’ freaks me out. How do you truly know when you’re middle-aged or not? I could be middle-aged right now. I’m twenty years old and this could be the halfway point of my life. Maybe less than half. You never know. I’m drifting somewhere between being awake and being asleep. The Volvo veers into the left lane, and I quickly swerve back into the dotted lines. I pull over to the shoulder of the highway. It’s the only one I have to lean on right now. I turn on the emergency lights. I climb over the tattered console and sit in the middle of the backseat. The grape juice stain is still there. I close my eyes, then fold in on myself. Traffic speeds by, unbothered.       AQ

Marcus Slingsby – Vanity’s Sanctuary

Marcus Slingsby
Vanity’s Sanctuary

‘A critic’s perception of perfection is indeed short and flawed with his own ambition and envy’, wrote my father in one of his many notebooks. Another talks of horses, rocking and running: ‘Carved it may be in shiny mahogany, the eyes almost staring, a gold embossed saddle and swinging stirrups, it is far from perfect, (argh, for a child maybe…) A carved nose bag is necessary with carved strands of hay and no matter how rare, carved rocking horse shit should be there too! Yet the tired hands of the master craftsman pale in comparison to the reel and turn of brumbies.’
         My father travelled a lot. His notebooks are still. On my apartment table, the candle light illuminates only the spaces between his words, the rest a void of thoughts I have trouble understanding, even with the help of childhood.
         I blow the candles out one by one, the streetlights are beyond me and the spaces again embrace what I don’t see, yet I don’t attempt to stand. The chair was his, the table too. The hands I rest my face in I suppose are also half his. Thoughts are whole I’m finding.
         He was always writing or typing on an old typewriter though it was not his job. A hobby he said, as was reading, both uninteresting when BMX’s and football were about.
         His books (I know that was his dream, you don’t have to be told your father’s dream, you see it as clearly as he does), were notebooks. The bookcase on the other hand was full of other peoples realized dreams, yet if you looked carefully, random spines were black with purple stitching, and always thin—poetry! Nothing scares a dyslexic child more.
         The metallic click of the date-change wakes me. His watch, an old ICW Pilot bought half a life time ago. It always had my name on it—literally. For a moment I’m mesmerized by the mechanism which he knew would always outlast his human condition. One of my first memories is of him taking his watch off and showing me the workings through the sapphire glass back. He said the watch makers had hands my size.
         Have you ever caught a stranger in a mirror that turns into a relative, then turns into you? It’s a trick that’s happened twice and the relative is always the same. The light needs to be dim for a mirror (is too truthful) or bright if the reflection is dark (and deceitful.)
         I leave the table and his notebooks, this is late for me, and head to the hall and for the third time the illusion locks the door. Briefly in the curtained street light before the sideways glance becomes focused; my mother—happy to be haggard, the very essence of Englishness, my wife has been known to say.
         Do you also ever dream you’re awake? Yet not awake in a dream—it’s far too clear and clever and confusing; a false insomnia that seems to stick the very last view you had to the back of your retinas for your soul to watch relentlessly the whole night. Yet with a death you ironically dream of life!
         I wake, again. The notebook is still on the table though the spaces between the words are no longer there. In their place a small voice reads with reason, extracting theory and theme, the two areas of a cold poem which only the author comprehends. I lean in, the voice is of Yorkshire descent. ‘They are just thoughts I write down’, it says. ‘Poetry scares potential poets: it’s like TNT, a tiny word or collection thrown too soon will take off the very hand that throws it. Yet later, aimed with precision it can blow minds’
         Like most he was introduced too soon—the hand of a dead poet, the shake of school. You always remember your first formal handshake, and are intimidated by it for years to come, until you realize introductions are only for beginners.
 
My father once went to a creative writing class held by a strange creature of a man over which lots could be written but nothing is. I remember him coming back from his first night, it was unusual he was away at that time. We all waited up and heard that he’d been taught by a magician, and that only a pen, not a wand, could cast a spell.
         He said he’d enjoyed it but that the fascination came not from the lesson but from the master. He told me directly, ‘He taught your grandfather you know’
         I did not!
          ‘Yes, your grandfather and him were the same age but that is where the resemblance ended. Your grandfather seemed to think he’d seen the world and studied numerous lives in those short years granted him. His face and especially his eyes gave the impression of that impossibility. They became friends but only for the duration of the course, and then he was gone.’
          ‘You have an ability to tell wonderful tales in spaces and at the end of full stops,’ he had once told your grandfather.
         The classroom I enter is old with huge windows and a high ceiling, but the view is of other peoples’ curtainless lives, not a cold sports field with yet colder hills in the distance.
         As I find a wooden desk to sit at, I wonder if it’s for the sunlight that the windows are so large yet coupled always with a consequence for gawping. It’s evening outside, the light’s low, the pace end-of-day slow in the windows I stare while waiting. It’s my first lesson, as it is for everyone here tonight, all people with ideas and ages that span life, yet I still recognize the teacher when he eventually arrives from my father’s (and his father’s) past. The beard is still trying to grow and it might even be the same bowler he’s wearing! And definitely the same leather briefcase full of future grades and his own ideas no doubt. A fine suit sits well on his small frame and his brogues seem to skim this unchallenging surface. Another thirty years sit well on him, though he’d be a better judge of that than me.
         Do they learn to cough at teacher training college? With a rustle we all look up. On the board he’s already chalked ‘Creative Writing Workshop’, and beneath it his name. We begin and soon all our ideas will be out in the open shivering with the fear of criticism and then ridiculed at home for the attempt…
         Introductions and achievements aside, some longer than others, yet the latter always in need of this course, we receive our first assignment.
         The teacher back behind his desk for support tells us—‘Though this classroom is brimming with ideas, ’ (with its high ceilings, I’m not so sure.) ‘I need to formulate an idea of You. The best fiction is always based on truth. Write a short piece. About yourself. Told by another. Create a daughter young or a mother no longer dead, or a brother unwed. Or a son…’          AQ

Emma Atkins – Small Freedom

Emma Atkins
Small Freedom

‘Have you got her?’
‘No, do you have her?’
I was fumbling with catching the errant, rolling water bottle.
Mikey was sliding the car seat back into place.

                                        She was running.
                                                                                 Zigzagging down the forest path.
Wind in her hair and hair in her mouth.
                                                                                 Full-speed ahead. Giggling like a wild thing.
Hyena set free from the trap of baby reigns.
                                                                                 Lightning in a yellow parker.

We’re running, too, sprinting after that joyful menace.
Mikey catches her hood, tugs her to a stop in Wiley Coyote fashion
and they both double over, panting for breath.

She’s laughing, joy of freedom in her lungs,
showing off the new snaggle-tooth that’s poking through her gums.
We’re sighing in relief–overcome by thoughts of what could have been.

                                                                                                    Down a way is a fast-flowing stream.

Jane Blanchard -Afterward

Jane Blanchard
Afterward

               according to Hilaire Belloc

A briar grows from Tristan’s grave,
Embeds itself in Iseult’s own.
Cut back by some assertive knave,
A briar grows from Tristan’s grave
Toward what it cannot help but crave.
No lover wants to lie alone.
Re-cut, what grows from Tristan’s grave
Embeds itself in Iseult’s own.

Joan Byrne – First scan

Joan Byrne
First scan
 
There you are—at 12-weeks’ gestation—
relaxing in a gossamer hammock afloat
a sandy-coloured lagoon. Tahiti of the womb.
 
Though small as the palm of my hand,
amazingly, you have a face! A nose,
high forehead, a scribble of lips.
I impute a smile. I have fallen for you.
 
Months will pass, and winter with it,
before you emerge to breathe
new life into an old world. Welcome,
I will say, I am your mother’s mother.
I am thrilled to meet you!

Naomi Foyle – J-2 and Aunt Mary

Naomi Foyle
J-2 and Aunt Mary
 
On the radio they are talking about orcas and the menopause.
Among mammals, it transpires, female humans and orcas are evolutionary rebels,
sharing a rare mid-life rejection of reproductive duties, and understanding why
a centenarian orca matriarch enjoys six pregnancy-free decades
might help solve the puzzle of the dissent of women.
 
Hypotheses arrive on sound waves from the Salish Sea:
the help J-2 gives her daughters and their calves–warning of danger
with a lob-tailing water-slap, leading the pod to scarce shoals in lean years–
eliminates the need to produce her own new offspring; she also catches fish
for her sons, mummy’s boys who only live until thirty and will die early if she does,
but whose children will be raised in other pods by other grandmothers, ensuring
maximum mitochondrial DNA distribution for minimal maternal effort.
 
As usual the scientists boil the bones down to biological cost-benefit,
fixed gender roles, intergenerational conflict, a selfish genetic imperative–
leaving the mysteries of life intact. Oh, I grant there’s some truth
to ‘the grandmother hypothesis’: after all, my beloved Aunt,
your own behaviour is decidedly orca-like. How can I forget the way,
when you found me stranded, you sheltered me in the channel of your kindness,
fed me the salmon of wisdom from the pond at Tharston,
until the pod shone again around us in abundant waters.
 
But thinking, Mary, of your widowed pursuit of family history, how you defied
dyslexia to decipher the spidery Latin of parish records, the mossy gravestone
in Ashwellthorpe that refutes the Huguenot claim on our name; recalling
your red binders full of Norfolk matrons, housemaids, butchers, bachelors, rectors,
Essex coopers, Yorkshire china dealers, Scottish embroiderers, Suffolk sailors,
Baghdadi carpet sellers, Welsh in-laws, Australian nurses, Afro-Caribbean-,
Indian- and Irish-Chinese-Canadian nieces and nephews, continents of cousins,
baptisms, burials, marriages, spinsters, out-of-wedlock babes, all annotated
and remembered each year to a three-hundred-plus Christmas card list…
 
I can’t help but wonder if, as J-2 plunges through the vast green light
of Desolation Sound and Discovery Passage, she can still hear the echoes
of her grandmother’s whistles and clicks, the whines of calves, her own long-past
grunts and moans: if the whole wild cold ocean teems with orca songlines–
a host of spectral descants the queen of the sea calls home.